Listen to Patty reading A Toolkit For Denial:
I no longer assume my incessant denial of life’s pathos is a pathetic way of coping. I know, mature adults face up to reality instead of barely balancing on one leg like a flamingo, flaunting beautiful pink tail feathers with head deep in the sand. But there is bliss in burying your angst in the shallows. Disappointment can disappear, almost like magic.
As a beginner to this practice, trouble occasionally bubbled up from the surface and followed me around like a monster from a dark lagoon. I beat myself up with thoughts like “Why didn’t’ you see this sooner?” or “How can you not recognize reality when it’s right in front of you?” Of course, the answer was that I did see it. I just pretended I didn’t. And then I flogged myself even more with that whip of guilt for keeping my eyes closed and focusing on the pretty mirage inside my head.
But no more. I’m giving everyone a heads up and admitting the reality. My denial strategy works pretty well. It makes me feel better, as long as I don’t sink into that squelching mud of remorse. I decided I just needed to refine the skill. Become better at it. Take pride in my ability to see an alternate reality that protects me from life’s calamities. So, over the past several years, I’ve been working hard to perfect this talent. Now, I’m ready to take on students and share my knowledge.
Let me review my resume. I have always been a pretty positive person. Well, okay, maybe more than positive. I have been crowned Queen of Denial by two husbands. I believe negative thinking is a worm that will feast on your psyche until the holes are so big that all of your gratefulness and joy just slides out and is lost in some universal bucket of sorrow. Being angry ruins my day. So, I avoid it. Is that reality standing in front of me? As it slaps me across the face repeatedly and screams its tirades in my ears, I can close my eyes and pop my head back in the mud. And poof, it’s gone.
Denial can be a really good thing. It protects you from all of the ugly negativity that waits like a Venus flytrap to pull you in for its dinner. It keeps your day light and easy and your sleep peaceful. Hell, I was married for twenty years to the first guy I ever dated before finally admitting that I had never been in love with him. I had convinced myself I was happy. And I really thought I was. I have stayed for years in jobs where I was miserable and been able to pretend I was completely satisfied. But I hadn’t progressed to denial expert at that point, and so reality did finally come crashing in. If I had known all I know now, I might still be blissfully ignorant, living that happy sham of a life.
After all, as a previous psychology major, I know that what you think can change the way you feel. I’ve worked hard at changing my emotions through fantasy. I’m living proof it’s not too difficult to pretend your boss isn’t bullying you as he’s screaming in your face by thinking about the chocolate cake that’s waiting in the kitchen at the end of the day. It was easy to deny that I lost most of my retirement cushion in the stock market by acknowledging over and over in my head that I’m not really a material person anyway. I fantasized for years that my husband was someone else as we made love. Once you get into the groove of denial, it comes naturally. The more you do it, the more you refine your skill.
So, I’m here to give lessons. Anyone can do it with the right training and practice. This is your chance to be educated by an expert. If you follow the tips below, you too can be free of worry, anger, and the view that your life, or even the whole world, is going down the tubes.
Here are my ten suggestions for your Essential Denial Toolkit.
1. Walk in the woods. The first step after someone’s pissed you off is to clear your head and get your heart rate down. You need to practice letting go. But unless you are more experienced in techniques of denial, you will struggle attempting this in your home. Those four walls trap negative energy and stifle your focus. It’s very important as a beginner that you leave the house. You have to be alone as you first start to practice leaving reality behind. Breathe deep. Limber up. Shake out the anger. Literally. Practice moving your body. Go rock and sway and do the wave in the woods. The deer and the squirrels won’t laugh at you. Let the wind blow out your irritation and mess up your hair. No one else is watching.
2. Talk to yourself. Self-coaching is key to this process. Say things when you are alone like, “I am so blessed to have my children,” “I’m lucky to have a man who brings in some money,” or “I’m better off than most because I’m pretty healthy.” Do not focus on facts like the children are driving you crazy, your husband will only get off the couch long enough to work part-time, or those extra pounds and wrinkles are advancing like an army of red ants.
3. Repetition. Keep repeating the above positive statements day and night. Say a mantra of life’s positive attributes each morning before sliding out of bed. Whisper them as you make breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Combine repetition with wine at night for an even more pleasant experience.
4. Alcohol. A couple of glasses of wine help to hide those hints that something is wrong and will completely erase screaming arguments. By the third glass of merlot, you can convince yourself that everything is okay. He can just keep thinking he’s right because you know he’s wrong. Let this tincture of hope trickle down your throat and blur the sharp thoughts that had just irritated you. Your mind will begin to dull and round like a knife unable to slice through a summer tomato.
5. Food. Chocolate cake is a sure way to stop your mouth from screaming. Potato chips and Oreos can fill a void. It’s hard to be unhappy when you have a big plate of pasta in front of you. But you have to be careful with this strategy if you are prone to guilt, because it’s easy to beat yourself up afterward. Since guilt followed my earlier denial attempts like a second shadow, a better game plan for me is anticipation. Sometimes just thinking hard about something, like that piece of cake, is enough to get the glands salivating with a hint of taste on the tongue and make those stomach knots unclench. Look forward all day to a treat before bed. Give in at some point and have a small piece of cake. Make that delicacy the sole focus of your attention. It’s impossible to be unhappy with chocolate.
6. Imagination. Successful imagination takes more skill than repetitive self-coaching. But it’s infinitely more satisfying. I refined my skill years ago first by pretending my first husband was another man—any man—ranging from my children’s pediatrician to the professor of my creative writing class. I trained myself to conjure up a clear, tender image of a variety of different men and keep those pictures vivid while losing myself beneath their touchless, but still palpable embrace. Practice summoning a vivid picture of your dream partner in your head and try hard to feel their warm arms around you.
7. Situational Fantasy. Once you have mastered the art of creating pleasant images in your mind, then it’s time to move on to the more challenging skill of situational fantasy. These are close up sequences of events that might happen one day. They really could, if you believe. For example, I see myself retired in a quaint cottage one street back from the Atlantic Ocean. (I’m one street back instead of oceanfront because even fantasy has to have some reality base if I’m going to believe it. Everyone knows I could never afford first row). I’m living alone. My husband has peacefully passed away years before. (Admitting to killing off my husband in my mind takes courage—another skill discussed later in this essay.) I am self-sufficient and comfortable in that cottage by myself close to the sea. I cook nourishing seafood meals with local catch and drink cheap chardonnay because money doesn’t grow on trees.
8. Become a writer. At least in your head. Write that novel you’ve always wanted to write. Start by dressing the part—eclectic and colorful scarves and jackets. Join a writer’s group, even if you haven’t written the first chapter yet. Go with the intention of transforming the drama in your life into a fast-paced action tale full of obstacles, lust, wealth, and change. You’ll get encouragement and support for this new world you’re creating in your mind and on the page. But the book has to have a feel-good ending. No cliffhangers. You and everyone whose company you enjoy need to survive happily. It’s okay to kill off anyone who irritates you, though. This is your story after all. And there are no limits to how far you see your book going. I sold the movie rights to my novel to MGM for a mint and the book has been translated into seven different languages. I can now afford an oceanfront cottage and continue to write sequels to the story, eat out in high end local beachfront restaurants, and drink expensive cabernet.
9. Accessibility. Keep your escape scenarios easily reachable for any moments of discomfort. Have your daydreams dangling in some close corner of your mind. That way you can just fall into them whenever life stabs you with its pitchfork. My seaside cottage and a muscular middle aged creative writing professor are always waiting to whisk me away, like that infamous Calgon moment. I don’t need to fear that a stressful day will elevate my blood pressure or constrict my already tight neck muscles. All I have to do is close my eyes and I can hear the ocean and feel his arms around me.
10. Courage. You have to be strong. You can’t worry about what other people will think of this new skill that you’re trying to hone. Don’t expect them to fully understand how seriously you’re taking this class. Sure, they may say it’s a good thing to try to think positive, but they really don’t have a clue what is involved in successful denial. It’s like saying you’d like to learn to play an instrument when you don’t know the first thing about reading music. And for goodness’ sake, don’t try to get into someone else’s head and wonder what they would think of your fantasy. Keep it to yourself. They won’t think anything if they don’t know about it. Your story can be as raunchy or crazy as you want. This is your plan of action, not theirs. So, if you want your spouse to quietly pass away so you have the freedom to imagine yourself single, go ahead. If you are particularly angry at your mate, it’s okay too for there to be a little suffering involved in that death fantasy. Not too much, though; you’re not trying to get revenge—just made yourself feel better. Denial isn’t mean spirited.
I’ve read all of Eckhart Tolle’s books. I really want to be in the here and now. But sometimes the now is just not pleasant. And after sixty-seven years, haven’t I earned the right to escape anytime I want? You have that right too. No one should have to be miserable. No one should have to wallow in too much negativity when there are tools to unlock happiness. So, go ahead and try these suggestions. But remember, practice is key. No one learns to play piano in a few weeks. Denial is an advanced strategy for coping and improving your life that will take a lot of hard work. It could take years to really perfect these skills. As long as you are a novice, be prepared that the vision of your dream man might dissolve halfway through love making and you are staring down at your real husband who is a total jerk.
You might notice that the one suggestion I did not make is to sleep more. While you may think you have fallen into the safest form of escape when you slip off into slumber, reality actually has a tendency to seep into your dreams and wake you with a nightmare of your real husband accusing you of betrayal or being broke and homeless on the street. Denial is all about control and you have no control when you are sleeping. Waking up with your heart racing like a wild horse because you saw yourself jobless, alone, or accused of killing off your spouse in a dream is not the way to switch angst into contentment.
So, go ahead. Picture that perfect man. Visualize your dream home. Slip into that fantasy of being a rich and famous writer. Laugh at all of the fun you are having in your head while you sip a buttery chardonnay. Happiness is waiting for you, just like that piece of chocolate cake.
Patty Williford is a retired mental health therapist who is enjoying the long-desired free time to write. Her previous publications include a short story in the compilation titled Christmas Memories (winners in a Christmas story writing contest), and poems and creative nonfiction published or forthcoming in Floyd County Moonshine Journal, Deal Jam, and Creekside Magazine. Her essays and short stories have won several regional writing contests, most recently 2nd place in nonfiction and 3rd place in fiction in the 2024 Chautauqua Creative Writing Contest.