Listen to the author reading this story:
She didn’t know it was you who put gum that was pink and shrivelled and covered in dust in her hair, hid her pencil case behind the fridge because she’d won an award at school and wouldn’t stop talking about it, and took her training bras and stuffed them with toilet paper to see what it felt like to have big ones too.
She didn’t know it was you that saw your uncle go into her room and stay in there too long for it just to be a kiss goodnight.
She didn’t know it was you who noticed when her clothes started to get bigger while she got smaller, and that you knew she spent lunchtime in the toilet because she didn’t want to talk to anyone.
She didn’t know it was you that suggested sleepovers when your parents had to work late or went away for their weekends, and how you tried to talk to your dad about his brother but he just looked confused and told you he was busy.
She didn’t know it was you who followed her to see where she went instead of going to school.
She didn’t know it was you who asked your mum to cook her favourite foods - lasagne, chicken casserole and mac and cheese - so her body would tell her to eat something.
She didn’t know it was you who saw the bruises before she covered them up with sleeves and makeup.
She didn’t know it was you who tried to get home on time but got detention because you hit one of the boys that called her names, and then ran all the way home until your lungs burned and legs cramped because you knew something was wrong.
She didn’t know it was you that tried to give her mouth to mouth but had forgotten how to do it properly, and that you couldn’t cry for weeks after her funeral because all you felt was angry.
She didn’t know it was you who your uncle would come around to see because he’d done it all before.
Clodagh O’Brien has been published in Litro, Literary Orphans, Books Ireland Magazine, Bath Flash Fiction Prize anthologies, Splonk, The Nottingham Review, The Lonely Crowd, among others. Clodagh likes to write in bed and always has too many books to read on her bedside table.